An Unnamed Relationship (Part-IV)

Are you really my nothing?

She was broken, shattered, completely lost in a world where she only had tears and memories to accompany her. Sahil even tried to give some explanations but she never wanted any because that proposal for her was a ‘be-all or an end-all’ and for the very first time she was on the rejection side. She never had imagined that hearing a ‘NO’ could be this difficult. She had lost someone who was not even hers. She kept on weeping and lamenting; heard the typical sad songs 30-30 times in a single day noticing the meaningful lyrics. Then, she decided to take a very practical approach towards it. She came to a realization that it is not important that the person you are in love with should love you back. Love is not a ‘give-and-take’ relationship. It is only ‘selfless-devotion’ where the main motto is that your love should be happy wherever and with whomsoever he/she is. There shouldn’t be any compulsion. It’s all about the happiness you see in your partner’s eyes. Tanya thought that if Sahil was happy with this decision then there is no point being sad.

But how was she going to forget him? To get through this problem she started avoiding him. She was unwilling even to look into his eyes because she knew that his eyes could easily cast a spell on her and she would fall in love with him over and over again. She tried to maintain a distance. The phone calls and text messages automatically got reduced and Tanya took a vow never to interfere in his personal life again since officially she was his no one. No matter how much she tried but she couldn’t eradicate the lovely memories. If Tanya was sad for whatever happened, Sahil was also not happy. It was getting difficult for him to bear the burden of hurting a girl who according to him was very pure. How would he fill the void? Were they moving on? Was it all over? These questions haunted both of them. Even today Sahil agrees that Tanya is the girl he has hurt the most. Tanya pasted a fake smile on her face to normalize things. Tanya’s love was always true and she had accepted that it was only a one-sided affair. But this four-letter word ‘LOVE’ carries an affection which does not depend on the quantity received. In true love it really doesn’t matter that your share of love will be returned or not.

Tanya just couldn’t stop loving him. It was silent but true. One day Tanya got to know from one of her friends that Sahil was guy famous for double dating. That particular friend mentioned two-three names with whom Sahil was ‘in a relationship’ at the same time about 2-3 months ago. This immediately struck Tanya’s mind that it was the same time when Sahil came close to her as well. She became dejected; feeling as if a guy came to her life; used her and left. Sahil had earlier mentioned that he was friends with those 2-3 chicks but he never told that he was committed and if he was he should not have said those romantic lines to Tanya. Tanya then decided to wait till Sahil himself comes up and confronts.

That very day when she was leaving the school campus Sahil came and said, "Hi!!"

“Hey” replied Tanya with a straight expressionless face. She continued  looking here and there, in order to avoid the conversation and said, “Well! I’m leaving to search my best friend Ahaana.”

“You’ve other good friends too, to spend your time with”, replied Sahil indicating himself.

“I only have Ahaana, Rahul and Sanchit as my good friends; NO ONE ELSE”, said Tanya exposing a pissed off face.

“Haww… Am I not your good friend?” asked Sahil expecting her to reply that he was the best buddy anyone could ever have.

“NO, YOU’RE MY NOTHING!” replied Tanya breaking the hope in a very straightforward tone. That was it. They didn’t exchange words and went away to their own respective places; one being angry and the other hurt.


To Be Continued...

An Unnamed Relationship (Part-III)

Why loving you seems like a sin?

He was hers but was he only hers? This had always been an unanswered question. She never wanted to share him with anybody. Those short meetings in the computer lab were more than anything Tanya would ever want. Those eye-contacts and unintentional touching of hands are still alive in her memories. They used to look at each other intently and like always Sahil used to take one step closer to her and that was it; she used to break the eye-contact immediately; blushing like never before; started seeing elsewhere and fumbling in almost every word she used to say to change the topic. Sahil used to say, “I love to do this and with you it doesn’t take much time even.” Tanya was too good when it came to blushing and she did it often spreading along her face a ‘longitudinal wave’. Yes, this was the name given by Sahil to the ripples formed on Tanya’s chubby cheeks. He simply loved it.

Tanya still remembers the day when both of them accompanied by some common friends were busy operating a single computer. Everybody was busy doing some fun when suddenly Sahil rested his chin on Tanya’s shoulder. She could feel him closer to her. She wanted Sahil never to lift his chin up and rest in the same position always. This incident made her feel that he was all hers but Sahil always said that they were heading towards a wrong path. He tried many ways to stay away from Tanya so he started with the basics. ‘A close friendship’ with one of her classmate. Like any other typical girl Tanya was also jealous but she knew that Sahil considered him only a friend so she found it better to just ignore (Trust me, it was so damn hard!).

One day Sahil came apologizing, “I’m sorry for choosing her over you."

“That’s okay, because I’m not an option”, said Tanya. 

“You cannot tolerate me. Me and my mood swings-you’ll suffer. So please, stay away because I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“I am in love with you Sahil and now this is only what I know.”

He always wanted to leave because he was afraid that if he comes close to Tanya, he would lose her as well and this was something he never wanted to do. Nobody knows that it was love or not but yes, it was beautiful. He wanted to leave for Tanya’s good and that’s what made her love him more. Tanya always wanted to explain him that if the road ahead was not that easy, their love would lead the way for them. Agitated with such an unnamed relationship one day she decide to ask him out. A clear cut ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. She wanted a ‘yes’ but somewhere deep down her heart she thought, “What if he says ‘no’?”

She called him up and very bluntly blurted, “Do you love me,Sahil?"

“See, Tanya…” replied Sahil getting interrupted in between.

“I asked, do you love me or not?” This time she was harsh.

“Let me please explain Tanya”, pleaded he.

“Why not make it simple? Just one word-A ‘yes’ or a ‘no’?” asked Tanya stressing on both ‘yes’ and ‘no’. He kept quiet. There was utter silence on the phone. It was difficult for both. If hearing a word can tear someone apart then speaking it is also very painful.

“Do you love me?” asked Tanya again literally begging for an answer. 

“No, I don’t” came the reply.


To Be Continued...

An Unnamed Relationship (Part-II)

Oh my God…!! She confessed. Yes, she did confess her love and was happy because he liked her too or rather loved her too. She hung up the call and was now dancing, singing, admiring herself in the mirror like any other typical girl but one question crossed her mind that why he was sorry. “How can anyone be sorry for loving someone?” she said to herself. It is LOVE not a MISTAKE. She couldn’t answer her own questions so she left them in the back of her mind concentrating only on the beautiful incident which took place that day. The very next day they met and had a brief conversation.

“So, kaise ho?” she asked.

“Zinda hoon”, he replied in his trademark monotonous tone.

“So, ummm… Whatever happened yesterday..." 

“Actually it appeared to me that you wanted to hear it, so according to the situation I said such things”, interrupted Sahil. She was stunned and said to herself, “He said he loves me just to know whether I love him or not and not because he actually loves me.”  

Coming back to her senses, she asked, “So, that means it was not love. You react what situation demands.”

“Don’t be so serious. I was just playing.” 

“Playing? What?” she almost had tears in her eyes. 

“Don’t ever play with me Sahil” continued Tanya. 

Now Sahil realized what he said unknowingly had hurt Tanya. He was sorry for his behavior and she also soon forgot their first accidental fight.

Phone calls and text messages increased. No idea about Sahil but yes, Tanya got addicted to him (Baby, I’m addicted. I’m out of control and you are the drug that keeps me from dying.). For her, everything now revolved around him. She enjoyed it when her friends teased her with his name. She went to college only to catch his glimpse. The way they shared the tiffins was enough to complete her day. A smile on his face acted like her stress-buster. She believed that she was blessed to have such a fabulous person in her life and felt complete right on him but there was something else in store for her. Actually, Sahil had witnessed a messed up past where people whom he loved the most left him when he needed them. He had seen ups and downs of life at such a tender age that he was broken from inside. He was all shattered and had lost every single bit of self-esteem he earlier possessed. He was now aimless and directionless. All he wanted was a little hope and few words which could bring back his lost interest in life. He wanted someone who could hold his hand and say confidently looking into his eyes, “I know you can set things right. Just keep trying.” He wanted someone to fall back on when he lost his last ray of hope; someone he was answerable to; someone who could simply come up with a smile asking about how hectic his day was.” He could not see that potential in him. Sahil needed a guiding light that could help him develop faith in himself.

In between all this, Sahil took great care of Tanya. Maybe this was his caring nature or maybe there was some kind of spark between them. Still, Tanya was unsure. She kept questioning him, “Are we friends or are we more?” because for her ‘I love you’ meant a life time commitment. These words were eternal and she really meant it when she said it but was it the same with Sahil. Tanya knew that Sahil wanted to be happy but since he had not experienced success for long so he was pretending to be contented and cool with the bitter sadness. Sahil had many friends (girls particularly, some under the tag of ‘ex’ while some as ‘we are just friends’) and Tanya literally hated it when she often found his phone busy at 2:00 a.m. She never liked it when Sahil didn’t even bother to reply that he was busy and would talk later. She never wanted to hear Sahil’s story of ‘which-girl-said-what’ but how could she protest. After all, according to him she was just a friend and being only a friend gives a person no right to be this possessive.

To be continued.....

An Unnamed Relationship (Part-I)

Yes, it all started with a ‘smile’ in the computer lab and then got promoted to the chemistry notes. Trust me, chemistry was least important for Tanya until she called Sahil to ask for the important keywords which were marked only in his book. The first phone call by any sober girl to a cute, good-looking and extremely irresistible guy is always a big topic to discuss. Tanya was utterly confused unable to decide whether she should call him or not.

“It’s just a matter of keywords”, she said to herself.                                                                “But what will he think about me?” she cross questioned herself.                                  “Exams are near, why to take a chance this time."                                                    “No, no… I’ll find some other way out else he’ll feel I’m a despo.”                            “Let him think what he wants. I’m going to call him up.”                      

Finally fighting with her own conscience she dialed Sahil’s number, for the very first time in life pre-planning the conversation. 

“Hello!” he said.   She was blank and the reason is yet unknown. Regaining her consciousness she said, “Hey, this is Tanya.” Tanya gave her brief intro reminding him of who she was. He recognized her and replied positively.                                                                                                                       

“Well, I wanted to know about those chemistry keywords” she continued.

Like a good boy Sahil made her mark half of the keywords. They were running short of time, so they hung up the call. The very next day, at the same time, it became almost impossible for Tanya to resist herself from calling that cute and handsome guy. Yes, he was freaking cute!! It was not that the keywords were so important. Tanya only wanted to hear him say hello. She only wanted to witness his mesmerizing voice. On that Day 2 they had a talk, a long one and Tanya still remembers clearly that it was the day when she started respecting him for what he was. Sahil introduced Tanya to the most beautiful lady of his life-his mother. She was almost into tears when she heard his surviving story. All the keywords were still not with her but now she was least bothered about it. She was lost in some other word. Listening about the three guilts of his life, Tanya started admiring him even more. She kept on thinking that it was just two days and how he can as a person open up so much in such a short span of time. They hung up the call definitely leaving Tanya in an ocean of ‘smile’. Oh…!! That ‘smile-for-no-reason’ is the most genuine for sure.

Day 3

At approximately the same time in the evening she called him up again and their conversation varied from ‘astrology’ (Yeah, he believes in astrology and stuff) to family issues to likes and dislikes of each other. Sahil was a very mature guy knowing more than his age while Tanya was innocent more than she should be. Yes, they were opposites in most of the aspects I guess but they say ‘opposites do attract’. Each time Tanya had a talk with Sahil, she came up with an entirely different Sahil. Tanya considered Sahil as a very stable person who was intensely grounding and lived in a world of his own.  He was deep and grave and the most important part was that he understood Tanya really well. In a way no one could ever. Maybe that was the electric connection between them which was pushing her towards him. Maybe her definition of a perfect match was proving true. Well! Now it was more than one hour thirty minutes talking on the phone.

                                                                                           

“I got to go” said Tanya knowing well that she doesn’t want to.

“Okay, Bye!” said Sahil.  

“Bye” she responded and was just going to hang up the call.

“Tanya” he said in a tone which demanded her to stop.  

“Yes” she replied elongating the word.

“I love you” said he making her nothing but stunned. It happens, this sentence for sure takes every girl by surprise. She could not believe that her crush had actually said those three magical words. Tanya was smiling from ear to ear; completely blank not knowing what to say and how to say. While she was still trying to believe the words she heard, Sahil observed the silence and felt that Tanya didn’t like what he said. He thought that Tanya didn’t appreciate his effort. So, he immediately said, “I am sorry” to which Tanya replied, “Don’t be, because I love you too.”

To be continued...

She uttered, “Why do people have to die?” (Part-II)

She was also feeling guilty. The guilt that there were many times she should have bowed down before her and said ‘sorry’ for the blunders she had committed but could not do so. She even wanted to thank her grandmother for all those times when the super granny saved her from getting scolded severely by her mom and dad. Her granny was truly her savior. In other words, the little chirpy bird was helplessly helpless. She was missing that warmth and comfort which she used to experience earlier. Her grandmother’s enigmatic presence was enough to set things right for her. She could feel her grandmother saying that ‘to regret is the worst feeling ever’. Her grandmother’s words echoed in her ears that sorry and thank-you are not mere words but small tokens which should be used often as they help us to live a ‘regret-free’ life.

She knew that she wasn't going to get the perfect lady back but she never wanted to believe this. She could not understand the indifferent attitude of the relatives when they addressed the lady lying on the floor as ‘body’. She felt as if somebody was attacking her self-respect by insulting her grandmother with the usage of the term ‘body’ for her. She wanted to revolt. She wanted to fight back and tell the world that her grandmother was not just a ‘body’ but someone’s best buddy. Amidst all this chaos there was just one thing which brought smile on the face of granny’s little girl and that was the fact that she could observe the peacefulness which spread on her grandmother’s face. It seemed to her as if the sea is quiet again after a massive cyclone. She realized that it was the eternal peace that her grandmother wanted the most. She wanted an answer to many questions as in, “Is my grandmother happy after leaving me?” or “Is she out there in some other world which is better than this selfish world?”

No matter how much tried to figure out the answers, she was always left unconvinced. Each time she tried to defend her own reasoning but to no avail. She could just reach to a conclusion that her grandmother was going to be only in her memories ever after. She was sure that she was going to miss that short, bent and a little plump lady always and no one can ever take her place, no one can ever fill that cavity, that void. She smiled and cried, “Dadi, I love you and will keep doing so.”  Those tear drops soon dried and she herself did not know at what time she slept but yes now it is dawn….

She uttered, “Why do people have to die?” (Part-I)

Dusk had fallen in and she was standing there all alone beside a dimly lit flickering candle watching her own shadow…hearing her own silence… A silence which was actually a storm of emotions in the inner self or rather a strong gush of wind which was destroying every single bit of peace left in her and she stood there motionless… Millions of questions were running in her mind but she could find answers for none. She could not understand what was troubling her. There was dilemma in understanding the way things were taking place. Suddenly a drop left her eye, rolled down her left cheek and reached her lips and in complete uneasiness she uttered, “Why do people have to die?”

It was for the very first time for that little 13 year old girl to come across such a grave and heavy question. A question which demanded an immediate answer to satisfy her wandering thoughts and bring her back to the mortal world but at that instant she had literally no one to be her guiding light. There was no ‘someone’ who could tell her that law of nature cannot be altered and we humans have to abide by the harsh reality of death. No one was there to instill in her the truth that “For what is born, death is certain and for what is dead, birth is certain, therefore we should not grieve over that which is unavoidable.”

Well, originally she was a happy-go-lucky kind of a girl, an all-time-favorite among her family, peers, teachers and all others who knew her but what gave a halt to this jolly teenager was the death of her grandmother. She was taken aback, shocked and shattered both at the same time because she could feel that emptiness. She felt as if now there will be no one whom she could fall back on. When she came back from school and found her grandmother lying on the floor of the central hall covered from head to toe with a red shroud amidst all the relatives who were mourning for the big loss, she didn’t take even a second to realize that she wasn’t going to get her grandmother back and it was the last time that she was observing the peaceful pallor which spread on her face like never before. She knew that she was not going to get that love back and what haunted her the most was the fact that she couldn’t properly even bid ‘goodbye’ to the soul whom she considered the ‘dearest’ on planet ‘Earth’. She always had the conception that people go to the hospital for treatment and come back home completely healthy but this was something entirely different as for the first time she realized that people go and never return. They just go forever without giving any notice, without bidding any goodbyes… they simply leave placing others in a state of guilt and remorse. Guilt one could never get rid of and had to bear the whole life.

To Be Continued....

Handle With Care..(Part-II)

Navya never wanted to do things in secrecy but yes she definitely wanted some privateness. She was simply done with the everyday ‘KBC’ played at her place. Questions for literally everything were always ready and this was choking her because she considered this as an ‘over-concerned’ behavior. Navya used to see her besties roaming around with their boyfriends accompanied by their parents’ permission and this always puts her wondering with a question, “Is this really possible?” “Can’t her parents allow her to be close to someone?” Well, maybe it was wrong that’s why there was opposition. It was not that she desperately wanted a boy-friend. It was only that she wanted a whole-hearted permission to hang out with her female and male friends equally. Navya always thought that she knew her limits then why is it becoming difficult for her father to understand this. It was not that she thought that her parents were not broad-minded. It was only the fact that she couldn’t understand that why being a girl meant being under so many restrictions.

Fast-forwarding the thought process she remembered how her father used to say ‘no’ to everything and then eventually saying ‘yes’. She knew her father was always there to support her. He always agreed at the end but then why at the end, why not in the beginning itself. Why was it that among her friends only she was the one who had to convince her father a lot for a simple thing? Whenever there was a fight between her and her dad, it was always her dad who initiated the conversation first and she really appreciated it. What she never appreciated was the fact that her dad never understood that the fight had affected her as well and it was only Navya who kept on crying for hours and had spent several sleepless nights thinking about the argument. The relationship between them had observed a terrific change. Navya was so disturbed that once she wanted to end up her life when she heard her father calling her ‘characterless’. It gave her goose-bumps and she was nothing but stunned. What could be worse than a father pointing her daughter’s character? She knew that he was angry and he really didn’t mean what he said but words once spoken never return and especially such words by a father for her daughter hit directly the self-respect. She wanted to end it all but stopped, thinking that any such action taken in haste would definitely fill his father’s heart with guilt which would accompany him throughout his life.

Times change and so do the relations. People differ in every aspect. Sometimes we understand and sometimes we don’t even bother to. Navya came up to this realization that she should let the things be the way they are. She should only concentrate on what she was doing to please her father. Her love for gadgets and internet was not this important of course, that she should compromise with whatever her father had done for her. Maybe this was enough to set things right. Maybe this was what such a ‘handle with care’ relationship required.

Handle With Care... (Part I)

‘Relationship’ according to Oxford dictionary is an alliance or an affinity but in real sense of the term, a relationship is a lot more than this. In fact, when it comes to a ‘father-daughter’ relationship, it requires an ocean of emotions which at times are really difficult to handle. Navya and her father witnessed one such ‘handle-with-care’ relationship. They all say, “Every father is his daughter’s first love and his son’s first hero” and the best part is that this quote holds so true in the real world. Navya was a girl who stepped into adulthood only a few months back. Yes, she was eighteen and was filled with emotions of all sorts. Teenagers, as we all know are a bunch of kids who are always treated as ‘aliens’ on planet Earth. One day, Navya sat all alone relishing the pages of memories between her and her dad in the book called life.

It was quite strange for her now, as the relationship between her and her father had drastically changed. She was unable to understand that why that generation gap had crept in. Why the simple things are becoming so complicated that now it seems almost impossible to mend them? She could not understand the reason behind such an indifferent attitude. Maybe, it was supposed to be this way or maybe the things were not actually the way she had an outlook towards them. Maybe she was the one at the wrong side and not her father or maybe there was nothing wrong or right only different perspectives. She was deeply engrossed in her thought-process when all of a sudden a tear drop left her eye and rolled down her right cheek finally disappearing at her chin. She kept on thinking that how earlier being a small kid she used to wait like idiots for her father to return so that she could tell him even the little things of least importance and now Navya wanted to take even the major decisions all by herself. Earlier, a small mistake, and she was ready with a ‘sorry-card’ but now even after wounding her father’s trust she was unable to really set things right. It was not that she didn’t care, obviously she did, but now she enjoyed being isolated. She never considered her father’s lectures as ‘interference’ but she could just never find a friend she longed for in her father.

She remembered how her father used to teach her things which were really important to shape up her life. He once said, “A smiling face is the first step to success.” To Navya’s ‘what-to-do-and-what-not’ problems, he always used to reply, “See child, always choose to do what you really want to and not what people want you to do.” His encouraging words always acted like ‘Glucon-D’, so full of instant energy and I guess his convincing power was equally well because each time Navya got tangled in a situation, he helped her do the rightful. But since, Navya was a teenager; her outlook largely depended on emotions. Earlier what she considered as her father’s caring nature was now termed as ‘over-protectiveness’. She was relishing freedom but at times she wanted more of it which according to his father was simply ‘misuse’. Maybe he was right because excess of anything is bad. Maybe it was she who was demanding more than what she deserved. Whatever is the case, the overprotective nature of his father was getting problematic for her day by day and she wanted to break free. That was the only reason why she wanted to be in the company of her friends.

Now, she started feeling that her parents don’t understand her well. It was only her friends who could figure out even with a simple ‘Hello!’ that there was something wrong going on. Navya was so depressed that she started spending nights weeping and lamenting on the fact that she was not a good daughter. Yes, there was positivity left but only for the world standing outside to see while in the corner of her heart she knew she was all alone because she could feel that her parents were supporting her only out of duty not out of love and her friends whom she considered the dearest on planet Earth were the ones who always used her for their own benefit. The thought was almost disheartening for Navya because she was not living a single happy life but was only pretending to be jolly. She was completely a different personality with her friends, teachers and her parents. Each of them knew a different Navya who was uncomprehendable.

For her friends she was never selfish but for her father, she really was self-oriented. She knew that her father was her well-wisher and always cared about her well-being but she wanted him to care and not to doubt. Deep inside her heart, Navya always admitted that yes, she had broken her parents’ trust for ‘someone’ but she also admitted that she was really sorry about it and to rectify the mistakes she had chosen her father and mother over that ‘someone’. For her it was a really difficult choice to make that’s why she couldn’t figure out that wasn’t it a choice big enough to prove her love for her parents. Earlier Navya was her father’s ‘priceless princess’ but now she was only a family member....

To be continued...